Hello? Do your ears itch?

2 Timothy 4 

1 I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom:2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions,4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.5 As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

Three hours and counting!

In about three hours I will be heading out to Lake Nacimiento with some very dear friends. JP's family has been so kind and told her that she could bring some friends! I'm one of those friends! It will be me JP, David Hughes, Travis Prouty and OF COURSE Luke Peter Vincent St. Hilaire. I really can't wait to be away for a bit. JP and I are going to sleep under the stars while the boys set themselves up a tent. I'm very excited to sleep under the night sky because stargazing is probably one of my favorite things to do IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I could stare at stars all night. I'm also very excited to swim in a huge lake and to just be on a boat. Being on  the lake always relaxes me. We'll get back Wednesday! So I will see you all then!

You're still, too jaded to love.

I have a very sensitive heart. I'm noticing this more and more. While I can have a tough exterior and find myself to be much stronger than most and have dealt with a lot and have persevered and have been shaped into a bold woman, my heart is a delicate commodity. I say commodity because I think it is in our human nature to treat our hearts as that, as opposed to a possession of the Lord's--which is my new prayer of focus. "God make my heart fully yours and not a commodity that I buy, trade and sell." We do that with our hearts. We sell them places that we should have no business with. We use them as leverage. We buy our hearts with words that others spit at us--words with no value. We invest in ideologies outside of His plans. We trade them with the devil for security in things that we do not need. I do these things. I become more aware much quicker in the cycle. I recognize when I am doing this within a few minutes. But I still do them. I'm very aware that this will be an everlasting battle, but I also am sure of who wins. A battle that has already been won is much easier to fight--when you're on the Victor's side. I really am not stronger than the next. Outside of Him, I'm much weaker than the next. Each day I embrace that He truly has become my strength. 

All this to say, having a sensitive heart has been a benefit recently. It was overwhelming to sit amidst 11,000 people and have a heart, broken for each individual face that my eyes brushed across. A heart, sad and afraid for the things that those around me placed their hope in. Having a sensitive heart has helped in my ministry, it has helped me to have genuine empathy. Having a sensitive heart is starting to be more and more of a blessing. Each day God shapes my sensitive heart into a more secure, stronger, more dependent heart that can be more concerned with being healthy in order to love those around me more freely. He shapes my sensitive heart into a heart that is first satisfied in Him, so that it can love and break. I have an understanding of what He is doing and it really makes sense to me. 

In the past, I failed to recognize how jaded I was. How selfish I was. I consumed in self which made it near impossible to love anything else. Or anything at all. Time is a healer. Now, I only believe time is a healer because over time we finally learn to surrender. Which makes me want to say that above time, SURRENDER is the ultimate healer. Well, I could write about all of this for a very long time. It's 4:40 am. I need to go to sleep. Good night/morning.

harry potter: Emma is a babe.

Adele

So little to say but so much time,
despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

Forgive me first love, but I’m tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why, don’t get so close to change my mind.
Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it’s bribing me to doubt myself;
simply, it’s tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,
and if I stay I’ll be alive,
then choke on words I’d always hide.
Excuse me first love, but we’re through.
I need to taste the kiss from someone knew.

Forgive me first love, but I’m too tired.
I’m bored to say the least and I, I lack desire.
Forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me, forgive me first love, forgive me first love

God continues to amaze me each day. He has revealed so much to me in the past few weeks and has been working on my heart in some beautiful ways. I love being able to look back and have confidence in not only His presence in my life, but in His work and the transformation He has taken my heart through. 

Two Presidential Terms.

Junxiu, Ryan, Sean and I have been friends for about 8 years. We all played water polo and all swam and all love each other a lot. Tesoro was the place that brought us together and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet them and that we were able to develop our friendships! Junxiu, our adventurous friend, picked up her stuff and just left for Australia as soon as she graduated. Unfortunately, she never came back home to visit. Thankfully that changed a couple weeks ago! When she told me she was coming home I was not only overjoyed, I was in disbelief! It was so fun to all get together again and just sit and chat with one another. They all know me so well and have seen me grow and change so much, as I have for them. I truly love these three people wholeheartedly. 

 

This is Junxiu and Ryan. We decided to roam around the art district in Santa Ana!

Oh just the typical three of us. 

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. I seriously love Ryan more than I can tell you. He and I also work together at J. Crew. He is one of my closet friends and we have shared so many fun memories together. His genuine love for life is infectious. I can't remember a time in our friendship when we haven't shared tremendous joy and laughter. He has an amazing family that is extremely tight knit and I love each of them as well! He's an incredible person with a big heart and exudes an very positive vibe. I love it! He is so loyal and has ALWAYS been there for me. 

Awww, I want her to come back already! I wish you could meet both of them. AND especially Junxiu. She's a tough one to describe. She is one of the most unique individuals I know. Her adventurous spirit makes you want to get up and travel halfway across the globe to swim in a cage with Great White Sharks. That's what she does actually, studies sharks in Australia. She wants to be a scientist, responsible for making great discoveries. Her love for the ocean seeps out in every conversation and her passion for our planet and for nature is inspiring. I love listening to her talk about her adventures and the places she's travelled at such a young age. Junxiu is the type of person you can throw into any situation with any person and would thrive. Not only is she incredibly smart, she is very very talented. I love Junxiu and the selfish parts of me wish she lived here instead of Australia, but I know she is living a full and incredible life. I love her!

And finally Sean (on the right). Sean and I were pretty much inseparable throughout our youthful high school days. We can talk for hours about everything. Usually we end up debating... but it's healthy. Sometimes I piss him off, but he's a smarty. Sean is an insane athlete. I loved watching him play water polo and swim! He's a big lover and it's so fun to watch him with his friends and little kids (he works at an after school/daycare). Our friendship is special to me and has involved hours and hours of great conversation. I love him like a brother and always will! 

A word from the Lord

Ezekiel 12

1 The word of the Lord came to me:2 Son of man, you dwell in the midst of a rebellious house, who have eyes to see, but see not, who have ears to hear, but hear not, for they are a rebellious house.3 As for you, son of man, prepare for yourself an exile's baggage, and go into exile by day in their sight. You shall go like an exile from your place to another place in their sight. Perhaps they will understand, though they are a rebellious house.4 You shall bring out your baggage by day in their sight, as baggage for exile, and you shall go out yourself at evening in their sight, as those do who must go into exile.5 In their sight dig through the wall, and bring your baggage out through it.6 In their sight you shall lift the baggage upon your shoulder and carry it out at dusk. You shall cover your face that you may not see the land, for I have made you a sign for the house of Israel. 7 And I did as I was commanded. I brought out my baggage by day, as baggage for exile, and in the evening I dug through the wall with my own hands. I brought out my baggage at dusk, carrying it on my shoulder in their sight. 8  In the morning the word of the Lord came to me:9 Son of man, has not the house of Israel, the rebellious house, said to you, What are you doing?10 Say to them, Thus says the Lord God: This oracle concerns the prince in Jerusalem and all the house of Israel who are in it.11 Say, I am a sign for you: as I have done, so shall it be done to them. They shall go into exile, into captivity.12 And the prince who is among them shall lift his baggage upon his shoulder at dusk, and shall go out. They shall dig through the wall to bring him out through it. He shall cover his face, that he may not see the land with his eyes.13 And I will spread my net over him, and he shall be taken in my snare. And I will bring him to Babylon, the land of the Chaldeans, yet he shall not see it, and he shall die there.14 And I will scatter toward every wind all who are around him, his helpers and all his troops, and I will unsheathe the sword after them.15 And they shall know that I am the Lord, when I disperse them among the nations and scatter them among the countries.16 But I will let a few of them escape from the sword, from famine and pestilence, that they may declare all their abominations among the nations where they go, and may know that I am the Lord. 17  And the word of the Lord came to me:18 Son of man, eat your bread with quaking, and drink water with trembling and with anxiety.19 And say to the people of the land, Thus says the Lord God concerning the inhabitants of Jerusalem in the land of Israel: They shall eat their bread with anxiety, and drink water in dismay. In this way her land will be stripped of all it contains, on account of the violence of all those who dwell in it.20 And the inhabited cities shall be laid waste, and the land shall become a desolation; and you shall know that I am the Lord. 21 And the word of the Lord came to me:22 Son of man, what is this proverb that you have about the land of Israel, saying, The days grow long, and every vision comes to nothing?23 Tell them therefore, Thus says the Lord God: I will put an end to this proverb, and they shall no more use it as a proverb in Israel. But say to them, The days are near, and the fulfillment of every vision.24 For there shall be no more any false vision or flattering divination within the house of Israel.25 For I am the Lord; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days, O rebellious house, I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord God. 26 And the word of the Lord came to me:27 Son of man, behold, they of the house of Israel say, The vision that he sees is for many days from now, and he prophesies of times far off.28 Therefore say to them, Thus says the Lord God: None of my words will be delayed any longer, but the word that I speak will be performed, declares the Lord God.

It has been one year.

I moved back from San Francisco one year ago. This is how I felt 8 months ago. I'm not sure that I feel the same right now. I know I'm supposed to be in Orange County. To that I am faithful! I totally spend a lot more time alone now that I have a rhythm. It's great. Especially recently. I've got a really healthy balance of those two. I totally miss San Francisco weather. I also miss my uncles.

 

Amu Sam, Uncle Robb and the LIVING ROOF!

 

I LOVE the Academy of Science.

 

My bedroom had a beautiful view!

A very dear friend.

About three months ago, a very dear friend  sent me a message that I just stumbled across. God used him in my life when I was in San Francisco in magnificent ways as my pastor and since then he has stayed a friend, mentor, and just an incredible person to me in my life. What a blessing it was to me this morning. 

And there's something I think it's important for you to know, your value is not based on any one's, including your parents opinion of you. Your value comes from being a daughter of God. You have dignity, value, beauty, and worth. Jesus nature and spirit shine from you. Even though you understand your own brokenness and failures from time to time, His love for you is perfect and real, and you are special ambassador and reflect so much of his love and life to many. Never believe any lies about you, Satan will attack you with us, but know that you are a princess, you have great value and I'm honored to have you be my friend.

I love the truths that are spoken here. I think that so many times a day we forget where we need to place our value and our hope; where we need to find our identity. We also forget that Satan discourages us and tries to distract us from complete devotion to Jesus with little whispers from obvious things like music*, movies*, TV*, etc, but also, at times (unfortunately) with friends and even family. Which totally sucks, but is totally true. It's important to KNOW what God's word tells us and how He values us as His children, so that when we are attacked with harmful thoughts and words we have the sword of Truth at our defense.

*Please note that I do not, at all, think these things in and of themselves are bad. I think that they can relay harmful, toxic thoughts, affecting how we think about ourselves. They also can serve to bring glory to God and to shine light on things that we have little, or no knowledge of.

In the blink of an eye.

Still, I am astonished, at the amount of time it takes for things to change. Before you realize it what was, is no more. Both good and bad. 

So much...

There is so much that I want to write about and talk about and share with you. I just don't have the energy for it right now. I can't even summarize what I'm feeling or thinking. I will try.

-I am so blessed

-I am being stretched

-I am being refined

-I have grown more in the past 6 months than in my entire life

-I am starting a new season of life today. For 6 months! (more to come)

-I am learning to trust

-I miss some people a lot

-I am learning to be joyful in all things

-I love my friends (they are my family)

-I have been spending a lot of time alone

That does it for now. Life is great. There have been more than a few bumps, but I'm still smiling. I don't know what tomorrow looks like: I don't know where I'll go, who I'll meet, who I'll see. I don't know what next year holds: I don't know where I'll be, who I'll be with, or what I'll be doing. I do know that I love God and that I am learning to follow where he leads and to listen more clearly. I want to honor Him with every step I take. It's really challenging, but so worth it. 

Pretend Mom

Babysitting has always been one of my favorite things to do and still is. I love it for so many reasons. One of my favorite ones is because it shows me how made I am for parenting. Some can say that babysitting can be glorified: you go to someone else's house, watch a kid for a few hours and then give him back. It's kind of like a grandparent. Or maybe a fun Aunt. However, I have spent so much time doing overnights that lasted for quite a few days, that I can firmly say I can handle anything that comes my way with kids. I used to babysit a family a few years ago that had five boys--ages 3 months, 2, 5, 7, and 11. It was insanity. I was so comfortable. It got crazy at times, but it was always so fun for me. I typically have a TON of energy. I don't get tired easily. I  also don't get overwhelmed easily. It's funny how opposite of me some of my best friends are. It's rad. Some of them cannot handle kids. They are the most gentle people, and so caring, but just can't do the kid thing. Yet are absolutely phenomenal on so many other levels that I couldn't really imagine succeeding in. 

Lately, I've just been soaking up how differently God has wired all of us and have been really loving it. Each of us has a specific calling and we have specific talents and abilities that He totally wants to use and shape. I love knowing that I will be an incredible mom and wife one day. That it is in my nature to "mother" things and to nurture. I love knowing that God creates in me a more calm and relaxed being each day, that learns to care for people more and more. He is constantly refining me, constantly working on me and keeping me encouraged on every level. Some days are harder than others, but all in all, I have never learned so much about myself and KNOWN so much about the person that I am than I do right now. AND it only gets better. 

PEACE

It is June 1st today.

I leave for Kenya in 22 Days.

I still need 2200 dollars.

I know God provides.

June 23rd seemed much further away last week. Each day goes by quickly. A quality I have worked on in the past is being "present." Have you ever been around a person that you can sense isn't fully there? Maybe they want to be somewhere else. Maybe they have too much running through their minds? I say that I've "worked" on this because I'm a thinker, and at times I've not been present or respectful to the people around me because I was so in my head. Well, I got better at that. However, the past week has been so challenging. I so badly just want to get on the plane and get out of here. It's funny how much more of my heart is over there, without having even been there. It's pretty unbelievable at times. It's a small part of how I know God is totally calling me to be there. And wants to use me there. I love that. I also love that He doesn't call everyone to the same places. He calls us to have the same desires. And motives. And to have compassion. But He uses each of us in such amazingly different and powerful ways, which all speaks greatly to His creativity and awesome power. 

I leave in 22 days.

I am excited.

I am nervous. 

I am scared.

I am ready!

Grandfather Clock

unwind the story line

rewind: the first time

unsure expectancies

rhythms of silence: fleeting

trains of thought and speech

homonyms with different feelings

fastforwardtosavetime:

hands intertwined

conflicted hearts and 

p u z z l e d m i n d s

and we jumped over the line.

but I would push the arms of time

to 

unwind the storyline

rewind: the first time

a hello that fell with great pleasure

exchanged glances: unfamiliar between us strangers

the coquettish curves that made a smile

a tent of night sky flickering, glimmering 

making shapes with stars

in our eyes

//fiction: 

for one second she closed her eyes

dream:

eyes opened wide

she realized this was better than a dream//

a hello that started with no antithesis

I climbed up the arms of Grandfather Clock

and I pushed

and I wrestled

and He whispered,

"This is not your time."

Up

Up is my new favorite movie. Last night, I went to see it. First of all, we walked into the theatre and there were TWO ROWS of little kids around 3-5 years old. Do you know what that means? A very happy Yazz. Not only were their laughs the most precious things ever, but watching movies with kids (when they are a part of the target audience, of course) is one of my favorite things in the WORLD. They were so cute! Anyway, the movie started, and after five minutes, I started crying. I cried throughout the whole movie. Some of my favorite things about our life on Earth were totally portrayed throughout the movie and I was sensitive to it all. Love, Family, and Loyalty were probably the three themes that stood out to me the most. I also have a huge heart for young kids that don't have parents constantly loving and encouraging them. My heart beats for the neglected, orphaned child. When I say orphaned, I don't only mean the child that has lost both their parents and is on the street. I also mean the child that is 6 years old in Kindergarten with a parent that "doesn't have time" or "can't make it this time" or "is too tired." A 13 year old girl that is singing in her school's play with two seats reserved for space becuase she sings at home all the time. She can just sing for her parent's at home. A high schooler that will take attention from anything that has it to give-- a drink, a drug, a guy, a girl, a razor. My heart aches and breaks for these kids. And cue the tears again. 

Anyway, this movie was so great for me because so much of what I feel was portrayed in a really beautiful way. I can't wait to get to show this movie to my kids one day. 

I love being a child. I love being a child of God. I love that He ALWAYS has time for me. That He never tires of me. That He will always say, "Ok Yazz, let me help you up. Remember I love you." I love that My Father will see me as His little girl no matter what I do, and as I understand that more, the less I want to stray. The less I want to turn my back. The more I realize just how great His love is, the more free I am to stay within His boundless arms. 

Television.

**Note to reader, I don't have a problem with people that watch TV, people love TV, or people that think it's the greatest thing ever! I do have a really broken heart when I see people wasting their time, running from problems, and/or are completely unaware of why they are using TV. I don't want to come across as this awfully judgmental and skeptical reason AND these are only my convictions. They don't have to be yours!

I've decided that watching TV is (or can be) probably one of the biggest wastes of time in the world. I've been thinking a lot about this. I feel like the content of the shows and the movies that a lot of us spend time watching represent ideals and values that at their core, we don't really agree with. Not only that, but lives that we shouldn't want, and fantasies that will never be real. I know that people have written about Romance stories being detrimental to girls like pornography can be for men. (I realize that this is a gross exaggeration.) Really though, a lot of what we watch does something to us on a subconscious level. We might not realize it, but often times it shows up in the way that we act, or handle situations. Maybe even in the way that we dress, or the goals and desires that we have. And it really does affect our standards. Some of you might think I'm preaching to the choir, but this is something really serious for me and that has totally been on my heart. I also understand that we all are convicted of different things at different times, so please do not feel like I am attacking people that have obsessions with watching TV. 

At any rate, I seriously asked myself the other day--and not in a self-chastising way--am I really pleasing God right now? Yes, God can LOVE that I'm totally happy and entertained, but I feel like that is a very selfish and twisted way of looking a lot of situations. At the heart of it all, I think God is more pleased when I am investing in the people around me, or spending time growing in knowledge (not of pop culture.), or reading about Him, or exercising, or singing Him a song, or being a presence in someone's life that has know idea who He is. This is a problem for me. I'm not even a TV watcher. But I find myself wanting to be more intentional about all of my actions lately. Yes, I still screw up, but generally there is hope for all of us to get better with this stuff.

Here are my thoughts on why a lot of us run to things like "entertainment," or the TV... I think that it comes from a lot of insecurity. TV is a great way to escape. To escape reality, to escape fear, to escape our troubles, our worries. It's a great way to mask and to hide. It's a great way to avoid things that our bodies are not, in their natural state, wanting to avoid. Something is wrong when we are ok with sitting in front of a TV for hours on end. (My family watches TV for at least four hours EVERY night. It breaks my heart.) Even if we are being "entertained," or watching movies alone, it's good to spend time relaxing and to spend time alone, but I really feel and know the times in the bible where amazing followers of Him pull away and spend time alone they are not entertaining themselves, they are finding solitude and peace and rest in Him. They are seeking Him. I KNOW that from personal experience, when I've isolated myself without the intention of spending time with God, or with my thoughts, that I'm avoiding something, or that something is just wrong. Part of the roughest season in my life involved me watching DVD series of TV shows day after day. In hindsight, I see how broken, sad, lonely and confused I was. I didn't really have a peace in Jesus. Well not even "really" I had NO peace in Jesus. I think it's really important to evaluate the time we are wasting inundating our minds with ridiculous Media that really is NOT glorifying to God. 

Yes, some movies are beautiful. Some TV shows are absolutely brilliant and funny. Some of these things bring people together, but most of it does not do this. It's just really selfish. And at the core, I think it's more harmful to our minds to zone out with TV. Actually, I'm going to go ahead and boldly say that there are few things less attractive to me than obsession with TV and Movies and really, there are few things less unhealthy for your emotions, thoughts and desires. There DEFINITELY is an art to be appreciated, but what a waste of time. I think it's time for us to start challenging ourselves more and to stop making excuses for our human nature/desires. We are called to be in the Spirit. Not in the flesh. We need to learn how to be completely satisfied in Christ through all of our seasons. We need to learn how to find joy in Him and not seek other things! 

Such a lovely week!

For some reason, this week has just been filled up with lovely things. Nothing absolutely extraordinary happened, I didn't meet anyone new, I didn't have an especially delicious dessert... I did have amazing interactions with people I love a lot. I also had a great week of thought, brokenness, growth, discomfort (which sounds negative, but is a positive to me), challenge, conversation, self-realization, and time alone. I wish that you could have experienced each of these things with me, to fully understand the depth of the joy. I guess that's part of it being so special; it was personal and that the feelings were specific to me and my heart. 

Anyway, I got to spend time with Mish and Matt on Sunday, which was so lovely. And then I got to hang out with Max and Marc for a little. I also got to spend time with Brenna and Dakota. And then Jamie. Brad. Emily. Tyler. Jessie. Jordan Sharon. Maddie. Jessi. Bre. Darren. Bob and Judy Hughes. Em and Jade's C-Group. Jamie again. Dillon. Gabe. Marco. Dom. Shea. Missy. Chase. Jon Bach. I could keep going. It's hard to believe that I could have quality interactions with such a long list of people, but I did. And I'm sure I'm forgetting some. And it was awesome. 

I have been so blessed. Seriously. God is so good. And I'm just at a place of trying to be at peace with those around me and trying to glorify Him as best I can and in EVERYTHING I do. It's a great challenge. 

These are little things that contributed (outside of awesome conversation):

     -New Hillsong CD

     -Writing Letters

     -ESV Study Bible came in the mail!

     -Tea at the Montage

     -Feathers

     -Baby Owls

     -Smiling Children

     -Reading

     -Journaling

     -Singing

     -Running

     -Kenya Progress

I have also let go of a few big things this week. Surrender is so beautiful. And freeing. I have learned a little more about myself. I loved a little more. I chose to die to myself a little more. I made mistakes. I had moments of weakness. I ran to Jesus. I found peace. I found JOY. I found myself. You can find Yourself in Him. And you will be free. When we choose to live for nothing else, our hearts are set free. 

Much love you to friends!

Dating is Dumb

I don't like dating.

I'll never like dating.

I've never liked dating.

Dear God,

I would just like to meet my husband and then get married. 

(This is not a cry of desperation but of practicality.) 

Love,

Yazz

amen.

Love Focused

Last summer I started counseling with Bob Hughes and it rocked. 

Last summer I read Love Focused, written by Bob and Judy Hughes.

God used that book to change my life. 

Lately, one of my deepest desires for the people around me is to lead a life that is free! I want the people around me to be free to love others. I want them to trust God. I want them to fully experience and taste the Joy of the Lord. There are days that I struggle. There are days that I don't trust God fully. Fortunately, the last year has been one of the greatest years of my life. God has brought me from the slums to a life full of Him. He has worked on my heart in so many ways, and I am always amazed when I look back. Grace has poured out over me and does each day! 

I could talk about this forever.

Instead, I'm going to post the link to a condensed version of Love Focused. Please, PLEASE read it. It's only 14 pages and you will be so blessed by it!!

Sprinkles!

Today was a really great day for a lot of reasons. Sang this morning, had a great lunch afterwards, went to the McGill Residence, Sue came over with Gio and Lea and then we all drove to Sprinkles and got some cupcakes. How fun! Seven children, a Mish a Sue and a Matty! It was perfect. I loved it!!

 

  

I am Yours.

Αββα

Tom and Tyler: They made my Alma Mater proud.