You're still, too jaded to love.

I have a very sensitive heart. I'm noticing this more and more. While I can have a tough exterior and find myself to be much stronger than most and have dealt with a lot and have persevered and have been shaped into a bold woman, my heart is a delicate commodity. I say commodity because I think it is in our human nature to treat our hearts as that, as opposed to a possession of the Lord's--which is my new prayer of focus. "God make my heart fully yours and not a commodity that I buy, trade and sell." We do that with our hearts. We sell them places that we should have no business with. We use them as leverage. We buy our hearts with words that others spit at us--words with no value. We invest in ideologies outside of His plans. We trade them with the devil for security in things that we do not need. I do these things. I become more aware much earlier in the cycle today than a year ago. I recognize when I am doing this within a few minutes. But I still do it. This isn't always a conscientious action on my part. Sometimes it's quite subtle and wears me down before I can see it. I'm very aware that this will be an everlasting battle, but I also am sure of who wins. A battle that has already been won is much easier to fight--when you're on the Victor's side. I really am not stronger than the next. Outside of Him, I'm much weaker than the next. Each day I embrace that He truly has become my strength.

All this to say, having a sensitive heart has been a benefit recently. It was overwhelming to sit amidst 11,000 people and have a heart, broken for each individual face that my eyes brushed across. A heart, sad and afraid for the things that those around me placed their hope in. Having a sensitive heart has helped in my ministry, it has helped me to have genuine empathy. Having a sensitive heart is starting to be more and more of a blessing. Each day God shapes my sensitive heart into a more secure, stronger, more dependent heart that can be more concerned with being healthy in order to love those around me more freely. He shapes my sensitive heart into a heart that is first satisfied in Him, so that it can love and break; break and love. I have an understanding of what He is doing and it really makes sense to me. 

In the past, I failed to recognize how jaded I was. How selfish I was. I was consumed in self which made it near impossible to love anything else--to have any pure, God honoring motive or intention. Time is a healer. Now, I only believe time is a healer because over time we finally learn to surrender. Which makes me want to say that above time, SURRENDER is the ultimate healer. Well, I could write about all of this for a very long time. It's 4:40 am. I need to go to sleep. Good night/morning.